This post was first published on 23 March 2015 on The Humble Pilgrim WordPress blog I created back then (doesn’t exist anymore). It was an anonymous blog page I started when I was going through a journey of self-exploration.
I’ve recently started observing a startling difference in the way I perceive things around me; I seem to be a lot more objective and I’ve noticed how often I am able to positively motivate and validate myself. For so many years, I’ve been working with a life coach to help me have more functional thought patterns and act out positive behaviour, and for many years I’ve been hindered. I’ve had moments of lucidity, rare bursts of clarity and ease for ephemeral periods. The feeling never lasted.
I feel more recently I’ve had a lot more clarity, and my moments of lucidity come more often and for longer periods. I feel that this is the culmination of my consciousness and awareness and my hard soul work over the last few years. I can’t tell you how the switch happened and when it all took place, it was not an epiphany, but a gradual and courageous move into more functional realms.
I notice how less harshly I punish myself for mistakes, how I can positively talk myself out of self-deprecation spirals and how I’m slowly letting go of those judgements and stories I’ve made up about myself and others. I notice how much more compassion and empathy I have for others and myself, accepting our flaws as humans and perceiving peoples behaviours in light and shade.
Today was one of those experiences that warms the heart. I spent Saturday and Sunday with close friends, eating, drinking and playing games. It made me feel warmth, ease and love. By the end of the party, I felt so inspired and motivated to give, receive and create. I came back home, raring to invest myself into helping the community with my skills and capabilities. I realise that this was a result of an external motivator, the fact that others had to be around so I could feel worthy of love and therefore had the energy to give.
I’m now trying to understand what it was about this interaction that made me feel worthy so I can learn from these moments and replicate the same feeling in their absence. This serves as a model of feeling like I mattered, I belonged to a group and I felt part of something bigger that myself. I felt acknowledged and supported. I also felt loved, the unconditional kind, which feels amazing. They accept me for who I am, my light and my shade. So why shouldn’t I be able to give this to myself? My mentor once told me, it’s like learning how to ride a bike, you have to fall off a few times before you can fully ride…
Love and light
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